Im BACK but ROSIE aint COMING BACK

WELLL, I have to say, I really am shocked by the whole Rosie O'Donnell fall out....Here in Vegas people are all thrilled they all "hate her" but strangely....They cannot stop speaking "about her". I was on her blog (which I found ON Mistermakeup's blog. And she says "I wanted 10 mill, they offered 6". Well it seems to me that maybe Rosie did want off the view....or maybe Barbara wanted her gone. Something doesnt wash in the whole thing and Bertha is very curious as is America. Some of the strippers (they love to gamble by the way). Yes SHOWGIRLS was slightly truthful...haha. Well the Strippers were all talkin ab0ut Rosie...and I mean strippers at the slots who HAVE NOT finished highschool talking about ROSIE....Well that is something....So ol' Bertha thinks she is a cultural force to be reckoned with...and its gonna be wierd without her.....Ive enjoyed watching that bull dyke!

Only Carnie Wilson understands me!!!

............I WAS so HOT as I fumbled for the keys in my Kate Spade purse that I felt like the wet spot in my undies was going to bleed through to my thin skirt! That Greek Man looked at me WITH SUCH PASSION...I felt like FINALLY, I found him. As we rolled into my Apartment, I pushed my Greek onto the carpeted hallway floor. (Honey Bertha is trashy and likes her comfy Carpet). As I landed utop my Greek I realized that his whole body seemed to move with me, with my writhing....AND I DONT MEAN INTIME. I MEAN HIS WHOLE BODY MOVED LIKE HE WAS A BLOB, LIKE HIS SKIN WASNT ATTACHED TO HIS BODY. At this point the Greek murmered, "I think there is something I need to tell you.........I had Gastric Bypass Surgery two years ago and lost 180 pounds!!! 180 POUNDS!!!! I mean the guy couldnt have been more than 170, so he was TWICE THE SIZE THAT HE IS NOW and obviously, his skin must have been hanging off him. He opened his shirt to show me a saggy hanging stomach, that reminded me of the Elephant Man!

Shock registered on my face as I kind of rolled off of him and panted away my longing...."Is it Ok for you?" He kindly asked? Ive had one operation on my skin and still need to have another one"

"I dont know". I mean, thats what Bertha said, at that CRITICAL MOMENT. "I don't know". Well at least it was the truth....He looked at me kindly and asked if he should leave.....

"No you dont have too" He came over and kissed me again, and although it was nice I COULD NOT get that picture of his stomach out of my head!

After a few minutes, he gave me his number and left.

I was dumbfounded. This man IS special...with a JFK jr. Face....but the skin of a 90 year old man.....So what should I have done? I guess I could try to fall in love with him, and then perhaps it wouldnt matter about his skin. But Bertha doesnt like to put off sex! She likes instant pleasure! So, as I write this, I am looking at his phone number. Its been a few days. I still think of those smoldering brown eyes he had. BUT THAT STOMACH...Is Bertha a superfiscial bitch????

Time will tell.

The Greek System

You know leave it to Bertha to always find the Glitch in the system.

The other day I stopped into my local starbucks and as I looked around at the young and old faces surrounding me. I realized that I had not had a "crush" in a longgg time. And although my pussy remains damp due to my (semi) sex addiction. Bertha was ready for a little "affection"

I sat down at a two top (alone)....and who was staring back at me from another two top (alone). A beautiful Greek Man. He came over to introduce himself and get a better look at my tits, (after our eyes had made love for AT LEAST AN INTENSE 3 MINUTES), and I just FELT IT... I thought IN THAT MOMENT...Bertha has found a man she can love and fuck and be happy with, WATCH DIRT and lounge together on Sundays. We talked about EVERYTHING. He was so real, and intelligent and just seemed so PERFECT AND NON JUDGEMENTAL. I found myself telling him about my fucked up child hood and crazy Father, everything just flowed. He was so kind, witty and just sexy. His body looked nice too. He was wearing a suit though, so its not like his package was hanging out for me to analyze...BUT I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DONE A FULL CHECK UP AND I PLANNED ON IT AS SOON AS WE WERE ALONE!.

We left Starbucks hand in hand, and nothing seemed forced. We were nearer to my place so naturally that is where we WENT. As we passionately kissed in the elevator, I noticed that as svelte as this Greek was, he seemed a bit squishy....but maybe I was immagining it. Well by the time we opened up my apartment door, my undies were soaked through! AND THEN....AND THEN......he told me something that just RUINED EVERYTHING....and now I truly have realized that 1 is going to be my life long number......what did he tell me and WHAT DID I SEE......wait for the next blog to find out AND IT AINT PRETTY.......

WHY DO KIDS AND PETS LOVE ME?

I was at a couple friends of mine last night. A couple, early 30's. Him an x model...Her as well....They came to Vegas to make a new go of it (Hardly the place to make A FRESH START...but each to their own) She ran away for 7 months to her Long Island home last year (with her tot in toe). Apparantly hanging out at a Playboy Mansion, or so she says. Bertha wasnt aware there was a Playboy Mansion in Long Island...but oh well...Her Man stayed in LA doing fitting modeling (whatever that is!!).

Anyway, I told her she could make a fortune as a hostess at the right functions here in Vegas...(Her face was touched by god...unlike mine!) So anyway, she came here and he followed and so their Vegas Life Began.

Last night we met for dinner. He wanted Pizza, but Teresa and I did not...She is 32 and lets face it, after 30 Pizza is a big once in a while splurge...unless you want to get fat and as a model/hostess, she does not! So we went to a rank Chinese Restaurant below their somewhat sad apartment.

They brought their adorable 17 month old daughter along and here is where my story begins. The kid could not take her eyes off me! Smiled and screamed, reached out to me...Even tryed to nurse on my tit through my shirt! (THAT WAS NO SURPRISE TO BERTHA). My friends were "shocked" and insisted that their kid "doesn't like anybody"....But Bertha wasnt surprised. I dont know why....But kids and animals love me. When Im on planes or in waiting rooms...the kids just stare and laugh and try to get to me...with their parents leering in shock....and the reality is that I am one of the least maternal people you could hope to meet! So I dont know what God is trying to tell me.

Same with dogs and cats, they run to me like I am Noah himself....and once again An Animal lover I am not.

So as I held their daughter and she fell asleep in my arms...I thought about one thing.....Maybe the fact that I recieved such little love when I was young is somehow visible to these kids? Maybe they want to fill that void.....Or maybe Im just bullshitting myself....But for some goddamn reason....Kids and Dogs love me.

A BAD DAY

Today Im off work and feeling lonely. It happens to Bertha sometimes. Sometimes I long for a big strong man to hold me and tell me that everything is allright. But more often than not in my life, that Man is a drunk or looser. Oh Im no dummy...I dont seek out loosers....Its just as a woman of a certain age (pushing the big 40), the pool of available Men becomes more and more of a puddle. And Im not willing to settle. I always have my cute little Apartment to come home too (off the strip too! so I can walk to work). I found it years ago and was lucky enough to be able to buy it. Today I find myself bored by TV, and horny (as I usually am). But also lonely. I mean I love a big fat cock as much as the next gal....But every now and then....Bertha feels lonely. And today is one of those days.

Perhaps we all have a hole inside of us? Some people use drugs to fill it .(I DO NOT).

Some of us get involved in the wrong relationships just so that we are not alone to fill it. (I DO NOT).

Some of us wallow in self pitty (I try not too!)

And the rest of us just deal with the lonely day ahead and hope that tomorrow will be better.

A Princely Night

WELL THAT little man Prince has been in Vegas doing his show and raking in the cash. Apparantly according to his religion he doesnt drink or gamble or anything (although Ive heard other things from my Vegas click) Anyway,....He and his Flackies recently came into the Casino...and OF COURSE landed at Bertha's table. My boss puts me front and center FOR A REASON...If youve got it, flaunt it. Anyway, I cant really flaunt that much in my uniform, but lets just say.....I take it to the edge. Well the little one came to the table and one of his Lackies started to place bets...Not to big just 50's and Prince kept wispering in his ear and STARING AT MY TITS...By by now YOU ALL KNOW that with Bertha, that is a no brainer.

Well they won a few hundred and the Lackey asked me if I would like to come to a party later. I said that I couldnt as I had an early morning (which was true). And trust me dear people Bertha is not above star fucking....(Jack Nicholson....UHHH) but I dont even want to go there! So I said I couldnt go...I mean what is Prince gonna do for me? Not call in sick I am sure of that...? Im smart enough to know that I am just a piece of ass to 99 percent of the clients that come in. So when Prince was informed that I would not be attending his party (whispers....lots of whispers in his ear from the Lackey) He gave me a subtle smirk and said flatly. "We are done here", and at that....away he and the lackies went. Of course my confidents were surprised, but Ive fucked more than one musician in my time and it usually leaves me less that satisfied...If I want multiple orgasms I stick with truck drivers. The less successful a man is in life, the more attentive he is in the bedroom....(OR SO SAYS BERTHA)....But something tells me ol' shorty will be back in to see Bertha again. He is going to be in Vegas along time....And I could see in his eyes that he doesnt like being rejected....It sure felt good though....HAHAHA....I mean with what little power I have in this world....Exercising a "NO" TO A BIG EGOED FUCK, sure felt good!

An Arabian Night

Well Ive been dealing here in Vegas for 11 years. Black Jack to be Exact. And trust me Bertha has seen all types....I may come from a mixed white-latino trash backround...But Im a smart Bitch, with a Tight Pussy. I have been dealing to every type under the sun.....And they have all come to Bertha's table. The John John Kennedy's (rest his soul) Rosie O'Donnell (who couldnt take her eyes off my tits.....and who could blame her) as well as good old Celine and Suzanne Summers. Say what you will, but Vegas is a town on the rise. Ive been a few places in my life, and as TRASHY as Vegas may seem. Its the most Unique place I have ever been.

Last night I was dealing, and a bunch of Rich ARabs with those Turbin Towels came up. They couldnt take their eyes off my tits....AND they were drinking which I believe is forbidden in THEIR CULTURE. Well they were making bets dropping hundreds...(mostly loosing) not the smartest bunch. But Bertha wasnt complaining. Till the one guy kept trying to touch my legs (WHICH IF ANY OF YOU HAVE WORKED IN A CASINO YOU KNOW IS A BIG NO NO..) The first time it happened, I let it go. The second time, I told them I would get the securtiy people. The third time I just shrieked... "Poppers", which means, SECURITY. They asked the Arabs to leave and said that the police would be called if I so wished. I said it was ok and they tipped me 1,000 bucks. Now I know that IT WAS PROBABLY dirty money. But what the hell, it will pay for my trash mags at Wallmart and fill my Fridge with Propell. Usually its not so bad dealing....Im the first to tell you all, Compulsive gamblers are an unhappy bunch....But it pays Bertha's Bills...and to be honest....Ive had more than one encounter outside of the Casino with some HOT COCKS....Discreetly of course....Otherwise Bertha would be out of a job.....

My Dad knocked me up when I was young and I got rid of it, A boyfriend did the same thing (and I got rid of it). Getting rid of things is kind of a trend in my life. I cant keep a men, I cant even keep a cat (it ran away). BUT I CAN KEEP HAVING SAFE SEX WITH HOT MEN....which I continue to do...Am I happy? Probably not, but Im not bored. And Im not yet 40....So the way I see it....Bertha is here to party...It may not have been an easy life....but who says I need to wallow! NOT I.....

As my heroin Scarlett O' Hara said, "Tomorrow is ANOTHER DAY"

BERTHA

IM A CRAZY BUT FUN AND SMART VEGAS CARD DEALER, IM LATINA AND IRISH...AND I HAVE WHAT IT TAKES!