Only Carnie Wilson understands me!!!

............I WAS so HOT as I fumbled for the keys in my Kate Spade purse that I felt like the wet spot in my undies was going to bleed through to my thin skirt! That Greek Man looked at me WITH SUCH PASSION...I felt like FINALLY, I found him. As we rolled into my Apartment, I pushed my Greek onto the carpeted hallway floor. (Honey Bertha is trashy and likes her comfy Carpet). As I landed utop my Greek I realized that his whole body seemed to move with me, with my writhing....AND I DONT MEAN INTIME. I MEAN HIS WHOLE BODY MOVED LIKE HE WAS A BLOB, LIKE HIS SKIN WASNT ATTACHED TO HIS BODY. At this point the Greek murmered, "I think there is something I need to tell you.........I had Gastric Bypass Surgery two years ago and lost 180 pounds!!! 180 POUNDS!!!! I mean the guy couldnt have been more than 170, so he was TWICE THE SIZE THAT HE IS NOW and obviously, his skin must have been hanging off him. He opened his shirt to show me a saggy hanging stomach, that reminded me of the Elephant Man!

Shock registered on my face as I kind of rolled off of him and panted away my longing...."Is it Ok for you?" He kindly asked? Ive had one operation on my skin and still need to have another one"

"I dont know". I mean, thats what Bertha said, at that CRITICAL MOMENT. "I don't know". Well at least it was the truth....He looked at me kindly and asked if he should leave.....

"No you dont have too" He came over and kissed me again, and although it was nice I COULD NOT get that picture of his stomach out of my head!

After a few minutes, he gave me his number and left.

I was dumbfounded. This man IS special...with a JFK jr. Face....but the skin of a 90 year old man.....So what should I have done? I guess I could try to fall in love with him, and then perhaps it wouldnt matter about his skin. But Bertha doesnt like to put off sex! She likes instant pleasure! So, as I write this, I am looking at his phone number. Its been a few days. I still think of those smoldering brown eyes he had. BUT THAT STOMACH...Is Bertha a superfiscial bitch????

Time will tell.

The Greek System

You know leave it to Bertha to always find the Glitch in the system.

The other day I stopped into my local starbucks and as I looked around at the young and old faces surrounding me. I realized that I had not had a "crush" in a longgg time. And although my pussy remains damp due to my (semi) sex addiction. Bertha was ready for a little "affection"

I sat down at a two top (alone)....and who was staring back at me from another two top (alone). A beautiful Greek Man. He came over to introduce himself and get a better look at my tits, (after our eyes had made love for AT LEAST AN INTENSE 3 MINUTES), and I just FELT IT... I thought IN THAT MOMENT...Bertha has found a man she can love and fuck and be happy with, WATCH DIRT and lounge together on Sundays. We talked about EVERYTHING. He was so real, and intelligent and just seemed so PERFECT AND NON JUDGEMENTAL. I found myself telling him about my fucked up child hood and crazy Father, everything just flowed. He was so kind, witty and just sexy. His body looked nice too. He was wearing a suit though, so its not like his package was hanging out for me to analyze...BUT I WOULD HAVE GLADLY DONE A FULL CHECK UP AND I PLANNED ON IT AS SOON AS WE WERE ALONE!.

We left Starbucks hand in hand, and nothing seemed forced. We were nearer to my place so naturally that is where we WENT. As we passionately kissed in the elevator, I noticed that as svelte as this Greek was, he seemed a bit squishy....but maybe I was immagining it. Well by the time we opened up my apartment door, my undies were soaked through! AND THEN....AND THEN......he told me something that just RUINED EVERYTHING....and now I truly have realized that 1 is going to be my life long number......what did he tell me and WHAT DID I SEE......wait for the next blog to find out AND IT AINT PRETTY.......